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Why the Reticence in Letting Go?

1966: Aunty Edna, Uncle Ernest, Mom and Dad at Finocchios Club in San Francisco

I was trying to come up with a topic for my first blog; I felt this first blog would set the tone for future blogs. I decided it would be best if I meditated on the topic and ask for guidance. I decided that sharing a recent event in my life would be appropriate, because this event allowed me the freedom to let go of the old to allow space for the new.

On Friday, I spoke to a friend and mentor, Jeannine Widmann, and during the discussion I had come to the understanding, that my obligations were my own. Since my mom passed in 2005 and I was the only girl, I felt in many ways that I should carry the torch for her, but recent events have released me from feeling that obligation. I am going to share this experience with you because I feel it speaks directly to my beliefs as stated in my Life Philosophy, do no harm.

There has always been hesitation in my family to speak of displeasure or disappointment in the actions of others. Everything is always alright, or it will be ok, and that is the truth, but what about all the emotions that are stirred up when someone feels wronged, disrespected or cast aside? What do they do with those feelings? In some parts of my family, it is best that you bury them and don’t cause waves. This type of repression creates an emotional cancer that will one day rear its head a reap havoc. I know this from experience. So I feel it is important to express these emotions, deal with them, then decide how best to move forward.

Last summer my nephew,Gerald, proposed to his girlfriend. Shortly after they set the date I called his mother to ask if my kids and I could stay at her house for the wedding. My mothers’ sister passed away when she was 38. My mother was a surrogate mom to her children, as much as she could be as we lived in California and they still lived in Hawaii. My Uncle Ernest always welcomed me to his home in the summers to stay with him and my cousins most of my childhood, so I have literally never stayed in a hotel when visiting Hawaii. My cousin,BJ, said that we could stay in her home. I also asked if my brother, Kerman, could stay, because we were planning on traveling together. It was important for me to come because my mother was very close to my cousin, BJ’s, son and I wanted to be there in her place. In addition, I knew I would be getting divorced and money would be tight so I needed to keep costs down.

2 weeks ago, I sent my cousin a message about a friend of hers, she replied about the friend and then told me, by the way, you are staying at Ray’s house for the wedding. Joe, her husband, his family unexpectedly decided to come to the wedding and they would be staying with her so she didn’t have room for me. She was very apologetic and said that her cousin Ray said, he was more comfortable with me staying with him than Joe’s family. This would seem like an acceptable resolution, but for me it wasn’t. When I was about 29 and living in Hawaii, BJ and I were having a conversation and BJ stated that her paternal grandfather told her father that they had Puerto Rican blood. BJ is Puerto Rican on her mother’s side and Portuguese on her father’s. Her cousin Ray, on her father’s side, was in the back of her mini van and over the course of about a 10 minute conversation moved to the front of the van and was yelling that they were not Puerto Rican. I was offended and hurt. I shut him down by saying, “Most people would deny being Puerto Rican because some Puerto Rican’s look black.” He shut up and moved back to his seat. 21 years later, he still has not apologized, but I have forgiven him.

When BJ told me of her resolution to the sleeping situation for Gerald’s wedding I told her I needed to speak to her. I did not feel this was an appropriate conversation for messaging. I reminded my cousin of this story and told her I would not stay with Ray. I said, he not only disrespected and belittled every member of my family, as I am 100% Puerto Rican, he called your father and grandfather liars. Apparently, it’s ok for you and me to be Puerto Rican, but not him. I told her I do not respect him and will not stay with him. I also told her, I felt that I did everything possible to be able to attend Gerald’s wedding, so if I am not able to attend, it was important for her to know why. She then expressed frustration for not telling her about my issues with Ray sooner. I explained to her, I did not feel it was necessary to bad mouth her cousin. She loves him, he is her family. He is always around when we have family gatherings, why would I want to cause friction. It was only because of the current situation that I felt it necessary to say something. I explained to her that I decide who is in my life and how deep the relationship will be. My relationship with her cousin is very polite and respectful, but I do not consider him family, and that is enough.

BJ asked me to wait and see what she could work out, to no avail. Her anger and frustration with her current situation was apparent. I could feel her frustration with me and my unwillingness to comply to her request. She on several occasions talked about the stress she was under, never considering the affects of what she was asking of me.

The hardest thing for me to get past is the fact that I know that if my mother was still alive, I would not be dealing with this situation. I wouldn’t be told last minute, that my accommodations have changed. I felt completely disrespected and cast aside. I felt like the pecking order had been established. The thing that hurt the most was that she had room for my brother, but not for me and my children.

My brother, Kerman, has always been very needy, needy for attention and constant validation. I’ve never had an issue taking the backseat to him. I’m an introvert and prefer to go unnoticed, but I always felt like my family saw me. This made me feel like my cousin does not see me.

No one that knows me from childhood understands my psychic abilities. They still see me as little Laurene. They don’t understand the depth and breadth of information that comes to me and the close connection I have with my higher self, angels and guides. When I was younger, I didn’t want to listen, because the messages told me things I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t want things to be that way. Now I know better, there is a certain freedom that comes with going with the flow, truly. To understand the ebbs and flows of life and taking them in stride, accepting them and continuing to move forward. I am always listening maintaining my stride and moving forward.

This situation was a learning experience. I felt obligated to go to Gerald’s wedding because my mother would not be able to be there, so not being able to attend created much anxiety and pain, but the reality is, this is not my obligation. My obligations are to my children and myself. I’m getting divorced and might I add, Randy who is still currently my husband, is being awesome. This is a rough road for all of us, but we are taking it in stride. This experience has allowed me to have perspective on my life and release the ridiculous burdens I have placed upon myself and find clarity in my priorities.

My priorities are to my children and family, loving and caring for them as well as maintaining a caring relationship with their father to make the best out of a bad situation, for all of us. My soul would be lonely without my father. It is important for me to let him know how much he is loved and cared for and how much I value his presence. Finally, working toward my soul purpose, which includes helping as many people as I can understand how they are their own best guide.

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